The U.S. Victory Speech - first draft

The AmbitiousAddict has obtained a draft of the speech President Bush plans to deliver upon winning the war in Iraq. It reads:

"IT WAS a fateful hour, on the 19th of March of this year, when you met here as representatives of the American people. I had to inform you then of serious decisions which had been forced upon us as a result of the intransigent and provocative action of a certain State.

"Since then five weeks have gone by. I have asked you to come here today in order to give you an account of what has passed, the necessary insight into what is happening at present and, so far as that is possible, into the future as well.

"For the last two days our towns and villages have been decorated with flags and symbols of the new coalition. Bells are ringing to celebrate a great victory, which, of its kind, is unique in history. A State of no less than 36,000,000 inhabitants, with an army of almost fifty infantry and cavalry divisions, took up arms against us. Their arms were far-reaching, their confidence in their ability to crush America knew no bounds.

"After one week of fighting there could no longer be any doubt as to the outcome. Whenever Iraqi troops met American units, they were driven back or dispersed. Iraq's ambitious strategy for a great offensive against the territory of the coalition collapsed within the first forty-eight hours of the campaign. Death-defying in attack, advancing at an unconquerable rate of progress, infantry, armored detachments, air force and units of the navy were soon dictating the course of events.

"They were masters of the situation throughout the campaign. In a fortnight's time the major part of the Iraqi Army was either scattered, captured, or surrounded. In the meantime, however, the American Army had covered distances and occupied regions which twenty-five years ago would have taken over fourteen months to conquer.

"Even though a number of peculiarly gifted newspaper strategists in other parts of the world attempted to describe the pace at which this campaign progressed as not coming up to America's expectations, we ourselves all know that in all history there has scarcely been a comparable military achievement.

"That the last remnants of the Iraqi Army were able to hold out in Baghdad, Mosul, and on Al Faw Peninsula until April 20 was not due to their prowess in arms, but only to our cool thinking and our sense of responsibility.

"I forbade the sacrifice of more human lives than was absolutely necessary. That is to say, I deliberately released the American command from adherence to a principle still observed in the great wars demanding that for the sake of prestige certain objectives must under all circumstances be reached within a certain time limit.

"Everything which it is imperative to do will be done regardless of sacrifice, but what can be avoided will not be done.

"There would have been no difficulty for us in breaking the resistance of Baghdad between the 30th and 31st of March, just as we finally broke it April 15-17, only that in the first place I wanted to spare American lives and in the second place I still clung to the hope, misdirected though it was, that the Iraqi side might for once be guided by responsible common sense instead of by irresponsible lunacy. But in this instance we were once more confronted with the spectacle which we had witnessed before on the largest possible scale.

"The attempt to convince the responsible Iraqi command - in so far as it existed - that it was futile and in fact insane to attempt resistance, especially in a city of more than a million inhabitants, proved entirely fruitless. A 'generalissimo,' who himself took to inglorious flight, forced upon the capital of his country a resistance which could never lead to anything but its destruction.

"Since it was realized that Baghdad's fortifications alone were not likely to withstand the American attack, the entire city was converted into a fortress and barricaded in every direction. Batteries were mounted in every square and great courtyard, thousands of machine-gun posts manned and the whole population called up to take part in the fighting.

"Sheer sympathy for women and children caused me to make an offer to those in command of Baghdad at least to let civilian inhabitants leave the city. I declared a temporary armistice and safeguards necessary for evacuation, with the result that we all waited for emissaries just as fruitlessly as we had waited at the end of February for an Iraqi negotiator. The proud Iraqi commander of the city did not even condescend to reply.

"To make sure, I extended the time limit and ordered bombers and heavy artillery to attack only military objectives, repeating my proposal in vain. I thereupon made an offer that the whole suburb of Najaf would not be bombarded at all, but should be reserved for the civilian population in order to make it possible for them to take refuge there.

"This proposal, too, was treated with contempt on the part of the Iraqis. Twice I attempted to evacuate at least the international colony from the city. In this I finally succeeded after great difficulties, in the case of the Kuwaiti colony, actually at the last moment. I then ordered a general attack on the city for April 15.

"The same defenders who at first considered it beneath their dignity even to reply to my humane proposals, made on grounds of humanity, then very rapidly changed face. The American attack opened on April 15, and Baghdad capitulated on the 17th.

"With 120,000 men the defenders did not even attempt to break through as our American General Patton once did at Brzesiny with a vastly inferior force, but, on the contrary, preferred to lay down arms..."

If you haven't guessed it yet, this speech is a hoax. Or rather it is the beginning of an actual speech but one made by another world leader celebrating his country's success in another war, in this case the invasion of Poland. Only dates and locations have been changed. You can read it in its entirety here: